i once knew a terrible person. he was dating a friend of mine, which is why i put up with his terribleness. the thing was, even though he was terrible, he had a trait i still am not sure about, which is that he was attracted to just about every woman. so he made a lot of sexual remarks to me, which i sometimes hated, but at the same time, nobody had ever thought of me that way before and i found it sort of fascinating. i guess it was just the first time i'd gotten any compliments that could not also apply to a rabbit or a flower (pretty, cute, nice, soft, friendly, bright). it was sort of nice to hear someone say that they wanted to touch me and make me feel good and be close to me. it's a confusing thing, for an insecure person to hear from someone who is pretty creepy.

i still feel that way sometimes. it happens often on the internet, when someone posts a picture of a girl who looks like me and people respond with things that are sometimes flattering and other times awful. i still sort of view even the awful things as flattering because it's still surprising to me that anyone would think of me that way.

i wish very much that i could hear those types of things from people who liked me and cared about me and not gross people, because sometimes it feels like only gross or desperate people are attracted to me. but i guess if that ever happened, i would just drop dead of shock.