self-sabotage

i feel like whenever i reach a certain level of happiness my brain hits a panic button and i immediately and subconsciously start trying to ruin everything good in my life so i don't have to cope with...being happy. being happy is too hard for me, i don't know how to do it. feels like i should just pack it in, but nope, for some reason i still get excited about the prospect of happiness. hope and imagination are so much better than reality, no matter how good the reality is. no matter how good.