memory

to be honest, it's a bit of a relief to be sad about my girlfriend situation. obviously, i don't like being sad or having problems or facing the prospect of hurting someone, but there's a very clear social script for dealing with the specific situation of dating someone you don't want to be with and/or going through a breakup. it's very different from being depressed. when you have relationship problems, you can go out drinking with your friends and talk about it and they'll probably be able to understand. and of course there's all so much media about unhappy relationships, so i could be sad about this for months and never run out of movies and music and books to be sad with. the details of these things don't even matter - i've never had the experience of breaking up with someone because i was just too majestic for them, but i can still listen to death cab for cutie and think about broad things like regret and yearning and the half-serious belief that meteorological phenomena are somehow attached to my personal feelings. i could even write a bad poem or two if i wanted. i'm 22, so i'm allowed. (ever since i turned 22 i've been feeling very young, much younger than i did when i was 21. i think it's like when you're in 8th grade you're among the oldest kids in middle school, and then you go to high school and you're the youngest again for a while.)

i've been very organized this semester, which is unusual. i have a little planner in which i write all of my assignments and cross off days as they go by in the hopes that i will get better at knowing what the date is. (it's not working.) i also have a binder which is covered in stickers and has dividers with neat labels for every subject, with 3 separate sections for english because there are so many papers. and it's starting to feel natural to put things where they go and take time out of my day to make sure my things are organized. i've always suspected many personality traits are just habits so i'm glad this is coming together.

i've been thinking about my memory and how bad it is especially when it comes to feelings and thoughts. often i will be in a situation that i've been in before, and it will seem very difficult and upsetting even though i can vaguely remember that it's happened before and i obviously survived it. this girlfriend thing is a great example; i've broken up with people before and at the time it seemed very tragic but now for the most part i don't even think about those people and when i do i generally just feel relieved that i'm not with them anymore. the only special thing about this person is that i'm the first person she's ever dated and i don't like the idea of being remembered as the first person to break someone's heart. (although, if i really, sincerely thought i would break her heart if i broke up with her, i wouldn't be thinking about breaking up with her. does this make sense? the reason i don't want to be with her in the first place is because i think if i broke up with her she would shrug and be mildly disappointed for a while and that would be all.)
i wish i could remember the things i thought the other times i've broken up with people. did i think it would be the end of the world? did i feel like i was being selfish and cruel? did i worry that i would never find anyone ever again? it might have happened.