recluse

i'm supposed to be working on an essay so i figured it was a great time to clean out my email inbox, and i just realized i really hate email. these are the kinds of emails i receive in descending order of how much i like receiving them:

- emails from professors, especially ones that involve cancelling class
- emails from college about financial aid and whatnot
- emails from a friend of mine who is the only person i know who uses email instead of texting (i don't like these much because i don't like writing emails)
- emails from other people who got arrested with occupy discussing the court case
- receipts from business transactions (mostly food orders i place online)
- emails from organizations i'm affiliated with telling me about events
- emails from organizations i'm affiliated with telling me about events i can't afford to attend
- the nearly daily emails from various political organizations informing me about some terrible thing that is happening somewhere in the world and inviting me to sign a petition or give them money
- promotional emails from stores i've bought one thing from ever and will never shop at again

i hate most of these things but when they show up in my inbox i feel like i have to read them, especially the political things, because if i just delete them it somehow means i don't care about murdered single mothers who can't get abortions from racist republican doctors or whatever. it's tiring to be inundated with all this information about sad things i can't do much about all day every day. and obviously i don't like getting junk mail and i feel very awkward whenever i am expected to respond to an email.

but more than that i think i just hate being available so much. i think i resent the fact that other people are able to just contact me whenever they want and i'm supposed to engage with all of them. it's not even just email though, i also have been dreading the sound of my phone lately. i just want to hide my phone under the mattress and keep it turned off for all but maybe an hour every day just so people can't get at me. i don't want to be out of the house for one minute longer than i've planned to be.

i think i just get really hermity sometimes and it looks like depression because i stop going out (i didn't leave the house or speak to anyone except my mom for 5 days over thanksgiving break and i was sad when it was over) and i don't want to make plans with people and i'm just generally hard to get hold of for a while. but i don't feel sad or lonely, i just feel like being alone a lot. or, to be more accurate, i want to have total control over when, how much, and with whom i interact, and i don't want it to be very much or very often. when i'm in class i feel fine about talking with my classmates and i don't mind if someone makes plans with me and then i go do the plans and go home. people just make me so tired sometimes and it's hard to cope with them when i don't have notice or time to get ready for it.

obviously, my girlfriend is the most exhausting person in my life right now, but you can't just tell people, "look, i think you're great and all, but when i speak to you i feel like you're eating me alive and i just need to get away from you or i'll die." how can you break up with someone when you can't even look at them long enough to do it and deal with the inevitable discussion and the drama and the whatever? i know it's socially unacceptable to break up with someone in a text and then essentially drop off the face of the earth, but it looks so appealing right now you don't even know.

(i feel like i'm rambling and not making much sense - if that's the case it's because i've had lots of caffeine and little sleep and i'm hungry and stressed. so, sorry.)