sick

i feel lonely. my best friend is out of town visiting his boyfriend and another friend of mine was telling me earlier that she wants to spend new year's eve with the boy she likes. i think i want to kiss someone too, but also i want to stay inside and eat candy canes and play video games until someone makes me go back to school.

it doesn't feel much like christmas this year. we don't have a tree or decorations or anything. there's no one i especially want to spend christmas day with. i don't think anyone's going to give me any gifts. also, it's going to be 80 degrees tomorrow. that's bullshit. i'm usually really into christmas, so this is all very sad for me.

also, i feel kind of ill. i hope it's because i've eaten too much candy (my mom eats a lot of candy so the past few days i've been asking her if she has any. in response, today after work she brought me home a box of andes mints, a bunch of candy canes, two bags of gummi worms, and a snickers bar) but maybe i'm sick for real. i think i'm too much into illness (my own, not other people's). i think it's probably because i like to be taken care of, and being sick is a great way to get people to do it. when i had a girlfriend - it was less than a week ago, i have no sense of time, yesterday was a thousand years ago - when i had a girlfriend, when i felt sick i would always say things like, "you should let me lie on your bed and bring me tea," or "you should make me some soup because i probably have the plague." i was joking, but i really would like it if someone did those things. i have some more thoughts about myself and how i feel about being taken care of, but i think i'll talk about that later when i'm not so sleepy and full of candy.