rest

my therapist keeps telling me that i have to learn to accept some things about life, like that i might always have depression, or that i might never be in a happy loving relationship. i guess she means that you can't really begin to deal with a problem if you're still insisting you don't have the problem. but to me it feels like admitting defeat. i don't know what she imagines when she thinks of what i might be like if i accepted that i might always have depression, but all it makes me think of is despair.

depression is hard enough to accept, but there are things i can do to make it less bad, and there are also times when i'm not depressed. i'm sad right now, but later i'm going to get into bed, and i'll feel happy for a while because i'll be cozy before i fall asleep. maybe next week or the week after that, i won't be sad much at all. plus, i mean, it's just not my fault. lots of things don't work the way they're supposed to and my brain is just one of them.

but the love thing is so hard for me to deal with. i've been so oddly preoccupied with love lately. normally i like to think about it and imagine it, and sometimes feel sad that i don't have it, but that's about all. but now i'm having these strangely contradictory feelings. i like to watch shows where people are in love with each other, but at the same time i feel a bit sick and have to leave the room for a minute. i want to update my okcupid profile since it's a new year and all, but just thinking about it makes me want to go lie down. but i'm lonely too, so i get up, sit in front of the computer, pull up the site, look at it for a minute, and then close the tab and go have another nap. i think about having sex with another person and that also makes me want to take a nap.

this also happens with video games, by the way. the easiest way to get me to lose interest in a game is to make me complete a task and then have to complete it again because i forgot to save.

i think that's what i'm experiencing. i want to date as much as i always have, but i don't feel like going through the beginning parts all over again yet. (when you think about it, my whole last relationship was just the beginning part stretched out over months.) maybe i should just take a break from all of it but i live in western society so it's not like i can forget that sex and love exist. probably i should wait a while before trying to date again, anyway.