powdered

it snowed here again yesterday night and everything is still covered in ice and snow today. this is the second time it's snowed this year which is so odd. when i was a child i was excited when it snowed, and i still am because it's so pretty, but also, over the past couple months i've been an unstoppable sugar consumption machine, which is also odd because when i was a child i hardly liked sweets at all, but anyway, i really want doughnuts but i don't think it's safe to drive right now. the governor went on the news earlier this week to tell people that most everything would be shut down because of the ice storm and told us all to buy milk and bread and water and make sure our generators were operational and gather our candles and flashlights and stay off the roads. so i guess being sad about no doughnuts isn't the worst thing that could've happened.

my mom did buy bread and some other stuff but it's stuck in the car because she put it all in the trunk and then the trunk froze shut. that's kind of funny but i don't get any sandwiches.

lately my therapist has been saying i should get a job. she says this because i told her i feel like i should be an adult but i don't really want adult responsibilities. so she thinks i should get a job because that will make me feel more grown up and i will learn to be responsible. i don't think i want to do that, though. i suppose i will tell her that next week but since i have trouble with motivation and focus i worry that she will think i'm only saying it because i'm too lazy to get a job (, hippie) and i'm avoiding the problem.

increasingly i feel that cbt isn't exactly what i want out of therapy anymore. it's good that i'm learning ways to be more functional but i also feel like just being able to do things isn't enough. i think i just want someone to help me sort out my feelings about myself and my life. it seems to me that a lot of what i'm doing is avoidance, in a way. it's true that when i feel sad, if i go and distract myself with something fun or engaging, i don't think about how sad i am. but i want to deal with why i'm sad all the time to begin with. i'm not sure if this makes sense. i feel confused.