crush

i've been feeling very down lately, so i made my background strawberries, because strawberries are my favorite fruit and i thought it would cheer me up. now whenever i write i'll remember that no matter how sad i feel, i'll always have things like strawberries and spring to look forward to.

i feel sad because i'm lonely. i've been trying to reach out to people but i guess everyone is busy because no one has gotten back to me. the worst thing is how guilty i feel even though i haven't done anything. if i tell my therapist i feel lonely, she'll ask if i asked anyone to spend time with me or talk to me, but if i say i did, she'll say i should've gone out on my own and maybe talked to a new person. that may be true, but things like that are so hard when i feel so sad. all i hear when people say stuff like that is "i don't think you're trying hard enough not to be sad, and i'm not interested in helping you until you try as hard as i think you should be trying." but i am trying. i just feel crushed all the time.

i've been really unhappy with my body lately too and i don't know why. normally when i encounter attractive people, i don't think much about it, but sometimes now i feel very envious, and i might even like the person less. that's stupid and i feel embarrassed about it. sometimes i think if i lost weight i might be happier, but that's also stupid. i like my body the way it is most of the time; the thing i don't like is how people treat me because of it. i don't want to get into the habit of changing things i enjoy about myself to gain other people's approval and when you think about it it's kind of weird that this is a thing we expect people to do. if i told someone that i was upset about racism, nobody would say "have you tried being less black?"
i mean, i guess some people might say that, if they were racist.

anyway, i'm trying. i'm trying to get enough to eat even though i feel guilty about it, and i'm trying to sleep properly even though that isn't really working either. i've been sleeping for 10-12 hours no matter what time i go to bed. i have an app on my phone that's supposed to help me wake up between sleep cycles so i feel less groggy, but when i use it, i don't feel any better. i try to make myself get up anyway and then i spend the whole day exhausted.

i don't even want help with any of this. help means i'm not doing it right and i don't want to hear that right now. i just want someone to be nice to me and listen to me and tell me it's okay if things are hard sometimes and not be mad at me for not trying hard enough. but none of my friends seem to care, and that hurts.