sift

today was a lot better. i talked with my therapist about starting medication again and she seemed more receptive than last time. it was hard, but i explained that even though i was taking her advice and trying to talk to people and to do fun and productive things, i still feel sad a lot, and it's really unpleasant to deal with, and i just don't want to anymore. i think there are better uses of my time than either crying all the time or sleeping or watching tv to avoid crying. i'm really sick of it. i've been unhappy most of the time since i was 8. that means i've spent nearly a third of my life sad. i think that's terrible. i said it was like washing clothes. i could wash all my clothes by hand in the tub, but i'd rather just throw them in the washing machine and go do something interesting. so, she's going to help me get a referral and i'm going to talk to someone about finally getting on meds again.

there's a person whose tumblr i read who also has depression. he's been going through a hard time lately and he's been writing about the kinds of thoughts he's been having. i read those and i could see myself in them, and it upset me. in the end he decided to go back to the doctor and start medication again. i think that's a cool and responsible thing to do. i don't look down on other people who take medication to be less depressed, i think they're very brave and smart to admit they have a problem and work really hard to fix it. i can be like that too.

when i was in elementary school i used to cry a lot. i never cried in front of people but at home in the evenings i would cry in my room. i had this cat, and i would bring her in my room, shut the door, turn on the radio, hold the cat in my lap, and just cry. it's weird because i don't remember thinking anything while i would do this. looking back now, i can think of a lot of things i might have been sad about, but when i cried then i don't remember thinking about any of those things. i never told anyone about this and i didn't even think about it when i wasn't doing it. it's all very strange.
but i think i was depressed then too, but i didn't know how to talk about it or even that i should talk about it. and now that i'm older, when i feel sad, it's easy for me to sort of point it at something, like, "i'm sad because i'm ugly," or "i'm sad because i did badly on a test which means i'm a failure." but maybe that's just because i'm old enough to put things into context, understand what other people might be thinking about me, and try to rationalize my feelings. so now i attach my feelings to thoughts and events that seem to say important things about what kind of person i am.

anyway i think medication could help with those kind of aimless sad feelings that i randomly assign to unrelated problems i have. i think sometimes it makes sense for me to be sad about something, and i actually don't want to lose that. but if i could eliminate some of those feelings that aren't attached to anything, i could sort out things that i really should work on and ignore the shit that doesn't matter.