hands

since i've come out of my depressive episode, i've been trying to get out of the house a bit more often. usually one night a week, maybe two, i'll go out with my best friend to one of the bars we like. i also started group therapy, which is every week, so i'm hoping that either before or afterward i'll go out and be with people a little more.

so i went to my favorite bar tonight with my friend, and we were having a good time. he told me about a lot of personal things he's been going through, and afterward he said he felt better, and that made me feel good. i tried a new drink, which was bourbon and ginger ale, and i liked it a lot. people we knew were coming up and talking to us a lot and i felt like i was finally getting to know people at this bar. i don't go out often, so it takes me a while to get close to people, but now i feel like i have people there who i would call friends.

while my friend was singing his song at karaoke, and i was sitting at our table listening, a white man i don't know came up to me and just touched my hair.
i leaned away from him and said, "you should ask before you touch people's hair."
he apologized and put his hand out to me, to shake.
i shook his hand and then i said, "so you should ask if you can touch my hair."
he asked, and i said sure. he touched it a little and said he liked the color. i said thanks, he left, and i thought that was all.

i'm used to white people touching my hair without asking. i have a good-sized afro which i dye a very bright red color, so it attracts a lot of attention. the odd thing is that i don't even mind having my hair touched. i just don't like when people assume it's okay to put their hands all over me, especially strangers. it's rude. if people ask, i usually don't mind at all, and sometimes i'll ask people if they want to touch it because i know some white people feel embarrassed to ask.

so i just figured this person was a polite, but clueless, white person, and i was glad that someone finally told him that it's rude to touch strangers without permission, since i guess his parents didn't bother. i felt proud of myself too, because i normally have a hard time speaking up when i'm uncomfortable. i'm getting better at it, though.

later in the night, my friend and i went outside, and the same man came up to me again. we talked with him in a group of other people for a few minutes, and then he reached out to touch my hair again. i moved away from him and told him to stop.
he said, "what's wrong? you said i could touch it before."
i said, "no, you need to ask. just because i said you could touch my hair once, doesn't mean it's okay to touch me whenever you want."
he said, "why not? why do i have to ask?"
i said, "you seem like a nice person, but we aren't friends. you can't just touch people you don't know whenever you want. i don't understand why you can't just ask, since you already know i'll let you touch it."
we went back and forth on this for a while. i tried to explain that i'm not an animal in a petting zoo so it's not okay to touch me without asking, because i'm a person. he kept insisting that i should be fine with it and that he loved black people and that's why he wanted to touch my hair. i said that just because he likes something, doesn't mean he can touch it.

then he said, "have you ever been to south africa?"
i said, "no, why would you ask me that? because i'm black?"
he said, "yeah, you know, you're from africa, so you should go there."
i said, "i've never been to africa and i don't know anyone who lives there. i'm not even from south africa, so why would i have been there?"
after some more of this conversation, another girl i know who was outside got tired of it and told the guy to leave me alone since i obviously didn't want to talk to him. i was really glad she said that because i hate when people see racist things going on and don't say anything. so he let up after that.

there was another short stupid conversation about whether or not black people inherently have more rhythm than white people. you can guess how that turned out.

after this my friend and i decided it was time to go and we were standing in the parking lot making plans for tomorrow when another white girl came around the corner. she introduced herself to me and apologized for her boyfriend's behavior. she hugged me a lot. i said it was okay. i was just ready for white strangers to stop touching me for a while.

i still feel shitty about this. i don't know why it's so hard to ask before you touch someone. i feel like i get more touching than most people because of the way i look. i'm cute and nonthreatening, so people think i'm harmless, like a kitten, and assume i won't care if they want to touch me. i do care. i'm not an animal. i have the right to decide who i want to touch me, where they get to touch me, and when they can do it. i'm just really sick of people treating me like my feelings don't matter.

i'm glad that i'm apparently now the kind of person who can stand up for themselves. it's a big deal for me. i just wish i didn't have to.