crying

i'm a bit of a crybaby, and i wish i lived in a culture where this was acceptable. i get the urge to cry about things like looking at cute babies, subaru commercials, thinking about a person who has done something brave, hearing another woman cry, seeing a distressed child, looking at a lost pet flyer, and getting a really great hug. but i live in america, and here, when a person cries, what you're supposed to do is make them stop. maybe in other countries it's different? i don't know. but i'm an emotional person and sometimes i just want to be able to cry a little and have other people smile indulgently and pat my back and then when i'm done we can move on and it won't be weird. but it is weird, which is why i've never cried in front of anyone i currently know, except my mom, and i only cry in front of her when i'm in physical pain. i've never even cried in front of my therapist. when i went to the hospital in 10th grade because i wanted to kill myself, i didn't cry then either. actually, that was probably the one time when it was weirder that i wasn't crying. when you're suicidal, you're supposed to cry and look very sad, not stand there awkwardly and giggle a little.

i did cry afterward, though, because one of the ladies who worked there, who clearly didn't have any kind of training to deal with this situation, was telling me that i shouldn't kill myself because i had so much to look forward to, like prom and having a boyfriend and graduation, and that my mother would be so sad. i've always thought when a person is so sad that they want to be dead, it's a good idea to make sure they feel guilty about it too.

anyway, crying. yeah.