conspiracies

my internet's been really awful for the past week. when i say awful, i don't mean slow, i mean that it'd be working for maybe 30 minutes the whole day. a guy came and fixed it today so now it's working fine. it's good to have netflix (and porn) back.

i've been pretty down the last week or so anyway. the short version of why is that my best friend's boyfriend said a lot of really horrible things about me, and then my best friend told me he was breaking up with that dude, but i don't know if that happened. i'm afraid it's because my friend actually agrees that i'm all those terrible things (the parts i heard were "stupid" and "a bitch"). sometimes i think i'm those things too. i've always had this belief in the back of my mind that even if i can't be funny or smart or interesting or pretty, i could at least get people to like me if i was kind enough, but i guess i'm not even very good at that. over the weekend i got the idea that maybe everyone in my life has all agreed that i have absolutely no redeeming qualities and they've all decided to be nice to me anyway because they felt bad for me. i really think this. i literally believe that everyone i know has talked to each other about me and come up with a vast conspiracy where they're all outwardly friendly to me at all times even though nobody likes me because i'm so pathetic. thus, the reason my friend is angry with his boyfriend is not that he said cruel things about me, but that he said true things about me out loud even though everyone has agreed not to talk about it.

the weird thing is i don't think less of anyone who i think is in on this. i think it's very kind of them to go out of their way to be nice to me even though they don't really want to. i don't deserve that.

so anyway, so that makes going out a little tricky. it was my friend's birthday saturday and we went to a thai restaurant and my friend bought a bottle of sake for the table. i had a couple shots (i guess? the glass was shot-sized) and a glass of wine and then i started talking to the girl across the table from me, who i'd met briefly once but never spoken to. she seemed cool and i had fun talking to her but after i sobered up and left the restaurant i remembered about the conspiracy and figured my friend probably asked her to pretend to like me so i wouldn't get my feelings hurt. we went to a bar afterward and i tried to stay out of everyone's way, after that. i went home early and watched tv and then i went to bed.

i haven't left the house since then except to buy food. i actually need to do that now because my stomach is starting to hurt and there's nothing to eat in the house, but i'm not sure if i can stand to talk to anyone right now. it's kind of amazing that anyone still gets depressed since if i lived a million billion years ago and couldn't make myself go hunt or pick berries or whatever the fuck i probably would have just starved to death. how does a trait survive if it makes the organism incapable of the most basic acts of survival?

maybe i'll feel better, after i've eaten.