principles

i made two and a half friends recently. one is a lady who goes to the same bars as me. she's really cool and her clothes are cute and she says smart things about racism and stuff. (the half is her boyfriend, who's fun to talk to but sometimes says shitty things.) the other is a girl a bit older than me who has a kid. she used to be in the military (or maybe she still is? i don't actually know because i don't care about the military and do not ask people questions about it) and is kind of a weeaboo. this friendship has a certain inevitability about it. do you know this feeling? you're just meant to be friends with some people whether you want to be or not.

anyway this girl was telling me how men are all terrible and the way to get them to fall in love with you is to be really mean to them most of the time and then occasionally be nice to them. i said i wasn't sure if that's true and she said it is because she has multiple guys who she doesn't even care about who are in love with her right now and all she has to do is ignore them most of the time and then sometimes have sex with them and say a nice thing and then leave and don't call them for a while. this kind of ruthlessness horrifies and fascinates me. i think it's cruel and i could never do it, but i have to admit i find her kind of admirable in a horrible way.

i think it's possible that she's right, with the caveat that it's only a certain kind of person who obsesses over someone who treats them badly, and i don't want to date that kind of person. and i don't think i want to be cruel in that way anyway. this girl said, "men never respect nice girls. that's why you have to be a bitch." but i don't want to be with someone who can't respect a kind person.

i don't know. sometimes i feel dissatisfied with the way my life is going and then i meet someone who says, "maybe it would be easier if you lived this other way instead." but when i think about their suggestion i decide that i wouldn't feel okay about myself if i did live that way, so i pass. maybe it's a good thing? i feel like honesty and kindness and sincerity are always good even if it means you have a harder life or you sometimes don't get things you want. so i guess i'll just keep trying to cultivate those qualities and maybe i'll have an okay life even if i don't have a thousand boys in love with me all the time.