how could i ever let your words affect me

just remembered i'm supposed to be talking about embarrassing and uncomfortable things, so here's another:
lately i've been reading a lot of feedist and fat admirer blogs. i'm not one, and i don't even have that fetish, but what with, um, literally everywhere else, it's nice to know that there are people on this earth who like my body the way it is and wouldn't be dicks if i ate something that wasn't kale.
to be fair, i think i get less of this than other fat people because of the way i look. i don't look like the sad fat girl who eats her feelings or whatever else goes with that horrible stereotype, i look more like the cheerful warm fat person who bakes people cute desserts and stuff like that. all of those things are true, so i guess it's okay.
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next week i'm having drinks with the person i like. this is just a friendly drinks thing but i'm still very excited. i really want him to like me but for some reason i find this extremely embarrassing to admit. i feel like if i said this out loud, someone would laugh at me. maybe they would.

i read a thing a while ago about what to do when you have thoughts like that. you're supposed to think, "whose words are those?" if a person has been abused or bullied at some point then they may internalize the things their abusers said. maybe you think "i'm worthless" because when you were younger your mom said "you're worthless".
but i don't know who is saying the mean things i think about myself, though it's true that the completely over the top reaction to hearing that a person i hardly know - a person i already knew to be a piece of shit - said some cruel things about me was mostly because they're the same cruel things i think about myself. otherwise why would i care? but for me those thoughts are because of other people's actions toward me and not so much their words. shunning someone - laughing and turning away when they talk, not inviting them to things when everyone else is invited, picking them last for everything - that sends a clear message and nobody has to say anything. i don't even know how you figure out what's true about yourself unless other people tell you. anyone can think they're funny but that doesn't mean they actually are. how do you know if you're likable unless people like you?

anyway, so, i'm terrified about having drinks with this nice person because i'm afraid he won't like me, and i am also embarrassed about being afraid, and i have absolutely no idea how reasonable these thoughts are. and i can't ask anyone, because i expect that they will lie, and i also don't know if that's a reasonable thing to think, which is also embarrassing. sometimes i don't even know what's happening, with myself.