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call

yesterday afternoon i called a suicide hotline. i've done this before once, but the lady asked me if i had plans to kill myself and when i said no she basically told me i'd be fine and kicked me off the line. it drives me crazy (heh) the way people make a big deal of urging suicidal people to reach out for help and then when we do nobody seems interested in actually being helpful.

anyway, none of that happened this time. i talked to a very nice older lady about how i feel lonely and isolated and like nobody cares about me.
i told her i want to be a social worker because i feel useless and i want to be able to contribute something good to the world. she said that makes me a good person and she thinks i'll be good at a job like that because i'll be able to understand other people's feelings.
i told her about the time i went to the emergency room because i wanted to hurt myself and nobody helped, and she said that wasn't fair. i also told her about the time i was going to drive off a bridge but i didn't and that time i did get help. i told her that one of the reasons i haven't killed myself is that i'm afraid someone will call an ambulance and then my mom will have to pay for it. i told her that if i ever killed myself i would do it in the bathtub so i wouldn't inconvenience anyone by making a mess. she said i sound like a very considerate person and that it would be sad if i weren't alive anymore.
she asked me what i was going to do after i stopped talking to her and i said i was going to make tea because i never drink when i'm sad. she said that was very sensible and asked me what kind of tea i liked. i told her ginger was my favorite and she said it was her favorite too.
i told her i wanted to go to the club i mentioned because i wanted to see the person i like. she said, "oooh, what's he like?" and it reminded me of something a kind aunt would say. i told her that i couldn't really imagine dating anyone because it's hard for me to believe that someone would like me. she said, "you never know what will happen."
i asked her if she thought i would be sad forever. she said she didn't know but that i should keep trying anyway. i think she's right.

i'm really glad i called. i might call again today but i haven't decided yet. i saved the hotline number in my phone under a girl's name so in case i get really sad again i won't have to take time to find the number again. the lady said you're allowed to call if you just feel sad, you don't have to be literally holding a gun to your head. i hesitated before calling because i thought that someone more important might need help and i didn't want to hold anyone up. that's sad, but also, i think it might mean i'm a good person? maybe. anyway, i feel better now.


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