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i hate it when famous people kill themselves because then everyone talks about suicide all the time for weeks and weeks and there's nothing you can do to get away from it except stop going on the internet and since i don't have any friends i don't have that option. i don't really have internet friends either, except one, but i do this thing which is probably creepy where i read people's comments on different sites and get attached to them as though they are my own friends. when i have no one to talk to, i can at least watch other people talk to each other and pretend that i know them. i'd be totally isolated if not for that, so it's hard to just not go online. anyway it's like being an open wound for weeks and having everyone poke at it constantly. and all that is assuming that people are being respectful - there are also a lot of people calling people who attempt suicide selfish or stupid or weak or whatever. to me, and probably to a lot of other depressed people, it seems that if i were selfless and smart and strong, i'd be able to just kill myself instead of hanging around being a useless burden on other people. i'm only not dead right now because i think it would embarrass my mom and yesterday i learned that tylenol overdose kills you by causing liver failure which is a slow and painful way to die, and every drug in my house that i've thought about overdosing on (which is all of them) has some amount of acetaminophen in it. introducing more suffering into my life seems counterproductive, so all those are off the table. last week my mom told me her close friend's daughter overdosed and it was really hard not to laugh because i was just like, well, good for her. i think normally i'd feel bad about thinking that but right now i don't think i do. the nice thing about being really depressed is that i don't feel embarrassed or scared much anymore, because, well, why. although, i guess i'm pretty scared of going to the clinic tomorrow. i'm still doing it though.