there is no painless way to the truth

yesterday i saw my best friend at a political thing. afterward we got coffee and i told him i was going to a clinic tomorrow (today) and asked if he would come with me because i was scared to go alone. he said no because he didn't feel like it and thought it would be boring. he didn't even bother to make something up that he had to do instead. when i got home later i told my friend - i think the only friend i have left - about this and she was so angry. i'm not angry, or even surprised, just sad.

my therapist used to tell me that when someone says or does something unkind to me, instead of worrying about what i might have done wrong, i should think about it as having gained useful information. the only person who cares what happens to me is a person i have never met who lives over a thousand miles away and the people i love are at best uninterested in me: okay. now i know. i always thought that anyway. i can find other things to do. i can meet other people. when i am better i will go back to school and start volunteering again. i will be useful and i will find new people to be friends with. i don't want to get better by myself, but i can. right now i'm 22 and i have been depressed since i was around 8. as far as i know, i'm not dead, which means i must be pretty resilient. maybe i will be okay.