plans

i keep feeling like i want to write and then getting bored and closing the tab halfway through whatever i was saying. i don't know why. the last few days have been pretty boring though.

this saturday is the lgbt pride festival. i'm going and i'm supposed to be volunteering with planned parenthood but when i signed up on their site i never got a confirmation email or any other details about where to go saturday or what to wear or what i'd be doing. i find stuff like that so stressful. what if nobody ever sends me any further information about this, and then i get to pride on saturday and someone is mad at me for not helping? i hate when i don't know what to do.

i haven't dressed up for halloween in a long time because after i got too old for trick or treating there were a couple years where i went out with friends for halloween and then i guess i grew out of that too. now i'm 22 and what you're supposed to do on halloween when you're a 22 year old girl is dress up in a sexy costume and go to a bar or someone's house and get drunk. i like all of that except for the sexy part, so i'll have to come up with some other kind of costume to wear. the person i like says he might do a halloween thing at his house, so i'll have somewhere safe to go where i know people.

actually i will be 23 on halloween this year, because my birthday is on the 24th. i've been thinking a lot about what i'm going to do this year because i like to make a big deal about my birthday but this year i don't know enough people to really do that and i don't have a best friend who will take me out for dinner or anything. so i was trying to think of something really fun that i would enjoy doing by myself, and i came up with going to the aquarium in charleston. it's not as expensive as i thought it was when i was a child and i could hold starfish for as long as i wanted without a bunch of assholes hurrying me along. also i could go shopping, in charleston, and look at the ocean and eat outside and everything. i think i'd have a good day. i told the person i like about this a while ago and he said he'd spend my birthday with me if i wanted. that also sounds fun, but i don't think it's a good idea to rely on other people that way. he also said he would call me last week and never did. people will be friends with you for years and then suddenly decide they don't care about you anymore, so it's not smart to plan your life as though they're always going to be there. so, if we do end up doing something on my birthday, that's nice, but i'm making other plans just in case. i don't want to be disappointed.

i don't understand why i'm still so unhappy. i was depressed for most of the summer but i felt sure i was coming out of it when fall started. i feel like i was happy a lot for a couple weeks and now all of that is gone again. i was depressed during part of january and all of february and march and then better during april and may and then unhappy again in june and july and august. that means i have spent about three quarters of this year being sad. is it just because i'm not in school? i really don't know.

i wonder if the rest of my life will be like this - every year i'll have maybe 3 months of happiness and productivity and the other 9 months i'll spend alone in my mother's house wishing i were dead.