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exception

the apples i got the other day - i ate one two nights ago and it was totally perfect. the only problem is that the apple was so huge that my stomach hurt a little when i was done. the second apple, which i had a few hours ago, was less ripe, i think, because it wasn't as sweet. the texture was good, though, and i don't mind a tarter apple. besides being straight up rotten, the worst thing an apple can be is mushy. in hell there's nothing to eat but red delicious apples, which satan himself grows in his own personal garden of disappointments, right between the bland pineapples and the perpetually out of season strawberries.
this blog is going to be a part-time honeycrisp apple appreciation blog for a while. sorry, not sorry.

it occurred to me earlier that my views about society contrast a lot with the views i hold about myself. for example, i really think that all people are valuable and the concept of "leagues" is stupid bullshit and i think most people are fairly attractive even if they don't all look like supermodels, but i also think that i personally am pretty worthless and absolutely everyone is too good for me and also nobody would want to date someone who looks the way i look. that last thing is especially nonsensical - i've been aware for a while now that i like women with the same physical traits as me and that the more a woman resembles me, the more likely i am to find her attractive.

a few years ago, when i was in high school i think, i remember reading an article by a woman who basically said that if you believe that beauty standards are largely socially constructed and shaped by the media, then you should also believe that if you change the media you consume, you can change the way you think about beauty and attraction. so i decided to make a point of looking at more pictures of women whose bodies look like mine. there was one site that i don't remember the name of, where you could put in your height and weight and look at photos of people with the same measurements of you. i really liked that.
the nice thing about the internet is that if you're kind of a shut-in like me and you only watch a few tv shows and about half of those are cartoons, you can exercise pretty tight control over what you do and don't look at. so i don't see that many supermodels or weight loss ads or anything like that. on my profile page here i mention that i don't even read people's diaries if they talk about their diets a lot. (reading about eating disorders and recovery is fine; what triggers me is when people connect weight loss to social acceptance or virtue or happiness, which they do, constantly.) because of this, when i think about my body itself, i don't mind it at all. i like the way i look, and i'm even vain sometimes. i just don't think anyone else likes the way i look, which makes no sense. i even get frequent positive feedback on my appearance. people tell me often that i have a pretty face or good skin, and they tell me they like my clothes and makeup and accessories and hair. and i believe it, but - what? there's a missing link somewhere. what is it about romantic and sexual interest that i think no one could hold toward me? why do i laugh and enthusiastically agree when someone tells me i have great skin, but if i think someone is hitting on me i become angry and suspicious? is it just that i don't often get that kind of attention? i don't understand my feelings at all.
i guess i'll have to keep trying to work this out. i hope the solution to this problem also involves looking at pictures of pretty ladies.


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