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bruise

i've known this one girl for a while and i used to consider us friends. but lately we have conversations that go like this: i ask her how she is and she tells me and then she asks how i am. i tell her how i've been doing and then she never responds. or they go like this: i ask if she can help me with something and she says yes. i explain the situation and then she never responds. it's very odd and i don't know what her deal is. i guess she could just be forgetting about my texts, but then how come she always responds to the first one? and if she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, you'd think she'd just not respond to me at all or bother asking how i am.

i texted this person today and had the second kind of conversation with her. it's weird that it still hurt my feelings when she didn't reply.
sometimes when people talk about why they feel indifferent about the way other people treat them, they say it's because they've been hurt so many times that they just became numb after a while. i wonder why this doesn't seem to happen to me. i feel less like a callus and more like a bruise - it seems like every time something bad happens to me it hurts more than it did the last time. so many bad things have happened this year and sometimes i wish i didn't care about any of it anymore.

sometimes i don't...like...earlier tonight i was watching netflix and making some stuff for a game i play, and i got so into the show and i was so proud of the things i was making, and i didn't feel sad at all. and a couple days ago i was sitting in my room and i heard geese flying overhead and for some reason that made me happy even though i kind of hate geese. so it's not like i'm sad all of the time. but how much of the time is too much of the time? at what point is it reasonable to decide that things really won't ever get better? will there come a day when even that thought doesn't upset me anymore?


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