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pressed

i mentioned that i wanted to talk more about the person i like's girlfriend. i have a lot of weird feelings toward her. obviously i resent her and that seems pretty normal. i envy her, because even though i don't think she's prettier than me, i think she's attractive in a way i'm not. she's quite thin, and i think she has long hair...i don't really remember but i know it's dark and straight. her skin is pale and she wears red lipstick and dark makeup around her eyes. she has a name that many other girls have and that people probably always spell correctly the first time. she likes wine a lot. i've seen her in 3 different outfits; i don't remember the first at all, the second one i think involved a yellow skirt but i didn't talk to her that day so i didn't really look, and the third, which she wore on new year's eve, was a very short dress with a print on it. that's why it was so easy for her to show me the tattoo on her thigh. she told me that when she was sitting down it was hard to keep her dress from riding up too far. when she offered to show me the tattoo, i hesitated because i didn't want her to show me if it'd make her uncomfortable, and she told me she'd shown the person i like her tattoo in her office. i said, "that's a different thing," and she said, "it was the first time we met, so it wasn't that different." so i looked at the tattoo. she's 28 years old, which is 5 years older than me and 3 years, i think, older than the person i like. but it's 7 years younger than G.

before we met up with them at the bar, G asked me if i wanted her to hate this girl. she said, "i can be mean to her if you want. you're my friend, i'd do that for you." i laughed at that but i said no thanks. after we left, i asked G what she thought of her. "she's really cool, right?" i said. G said, "she's cool, and she seems really nice, but she's so normal. and you're cuter than her." is this something friends say to be nice, or is it the truth, or both? later she said this in a text: "She's very nice and seems great. But she's also kind of typical within her type if that makes sense. I've met several girls who look like her and talk like her and interact like her. She's not terribly special." i think that may be true, but also, i think it's true of most of the people i meet. it's even a bit true of G. it's not a bad thing. sometimes i feel frustrated and sad because i think i'm an unusual sort of person and it's hard for me to fit in with other people, but other times, when people tell me things like what G said, i feel like it might be okay to be sort of weird.

anyway i think i'm kind of obsessed with this girl. i keep telling her personal things and i don't know why i feel like it's okay. i guess it's because i view her as an extension of the person i like, who i have known for over a year and tell personal things to all the time. (but not too personal.) also it doesn't really matter whether she likes me or not because she has to be nice to me either way. but i want her to like me. i want her to like me a lot more than i like her. i want to be her best friend. i want to know everything about her. i want to go to her house and look at all of her things. i don't know why i feel this way. i think i'm supposed to just hate her, but i don't. i'm not really sure what to do with these feelings. however, i met my best friend in high school because we liked the same guy. he introduced us and we ditched him and hung out with each other instead. maybe this is just how weirdos like me make friends.


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