hollow

it's been a bit over two weeks, holy crap.

so last time i mentioned that the person i like has a girlfriend who i also am friends with. i thought about giving her a name since "the person i like's girlfriend" is kind of clunky. luckily, fate stepped in and offered me a selection of possible names for this person so that i wouldn't be forced to come up with something dumb like a letter or a fruit.

a couple weeks ago we went to karaoke, which was fun and cool. the person i like and i sang a song together, but unbeknownst to us, neither of our microphones were turned on. he was embarrassed about it but i told him that mercury was in retrograde so of course we were having problems with electronic devices and it wasn't even our fault at all. i think it helped.

a few nights later the three of us (me, the person i like, and his girlfriend) went to an art thing. i wasn't allowed to go inside the museum because by the time i got there the building was over capacity, so my friends joined me outside to decide where to go next. another person came to talk to us, and i recognized him as a friend of mine and the guy who co-ran my therapy group last year. he was speaking oddly and i asked him if he was drunk and he said no but that he was on a lot of mushrooms. he invited us all back to his house (make a note of this for later), but we declined and he left. we decided to go to a nearby bar.

the bar was fine, at first. i mentioned that i also have always wanted to try shrooms, and the person i like's girlfriend offered to babysit for me if i ever did. i thought this seemed like a swell idea. she asked me if i knew where to get mushrooms from and i said yes, and then she asked me if i could get other things too and i said probably so. she told me she'd always wanted to try heroin, and i asked why, and she said because it would make her unable to feel anything. i asked her what she meant by this and she said she didn't really have feelings like normal people anyway and that she thought life was pointless.

at this point we were leaving the bar, and i asked her something like: earlier you said you were excited to go out tonight, so weren't you feeling something then? she said no, she only pretends things like that because she knows it's what she's supposed to do. i asked if it bothered her to be friends with me, and she said no, but it bothered her when people questioned her, which i was doing. she sounded angry, so i apologized and dropped the subject. then it was like nothing had even happened, and i took them home and then i went to G's house to talk about it.

so after that i decided i didn't want to be friends with her anymore. why would i want to invest a bunch of time and energy into someone who really doesn't have any feelings or care about anything at all? to be honest, she gives me the creeps now. i don't want to talk to her or even sit near her. i feel like i've showed up at a party with all my friends except one of the chairs has a creepy puppet in it and everyone expects me to talk to the puppet like it's a real person. it's gross and i hate it. plus most of the things she's said to me are lies, which makes me so mad. i'm not talking about anything big but like, we watched the super bowl together and there was a sad animal commercial and i said i couldn't watch it because i might cry. she said, "me too!" she asked me to walk to the bathroom with her because the bathrooms at the bar are small and they make her nervous. she has a cat she showed me a picture of on her phone. she has two tattoos from a tv show she says she likes. it just seems like a lot of effort to go through if you really don't care about any of that stuff. i think it's possible that i'm overreacting a bit but i really hate liars and fake people and i didn't even notice there was anything off about her - i wanted to be her best friend - and i think that's why i feel such revulsion now.

anyway the person i like had a birthday thing at a bar a few days later. i intentionally showed up late so as not to be alone with the person i like and his creepy puppet girlfriend, so i didn't end up having to speak to her much at all. when everyone was leaving though, she looked as though she was about to hug me and i threw up in my mouth a bit. luckily i had a cold recently so i just pretended i was coughing. (i also sometimes pretend things that aren't true but i don't go out and acquire pets or boyfriends to convince people i'm telling the truth.)

also at the birthday thing, i sat next to a girl i've met a few times before, who used to date the guy who co-ran my therapy group. (i really should move to a different city.) i like her a lot - she's the person who convinced me to go to grad school, if that's what i want, and disregard the advice of literally everyone telling me it's a terrible idea. anyway we talked about her ex, and it turns out she had kicked him out the previous night. she let him live with her temporarily after they broke up because he got evicted from his apartment. that's why it was so weird and inappropriate for him to invite us over, cause it wasn't even his house. i think that's also why she kicked him out, but i'm not sure.

i can't think of anything else to write about. i might keep going tomorrow.