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yesterday was a real doozy. i went out with the person i like to a concert and that was great. during the show i had a few drinks and at first i was having a good time but when we left the venue and went to a bar i started feeling worse and worse and by the time i got home i was just sobbing. i guess it was the alcohol.

that kind of stuff happens to me a lot so that's not really noteworthy. what's weird is that i woke up this afternoon and i still felt sad but i was also just so angry. last night i wanted to be dead so i don't know where i even got the energy to be mad. i did feel like giving up and in a way i think i have. if i already want to be dead then nothing worse can happen to me anymore. it doesn't matter if i do things that embarrass me or make me feel nervous and it doesn't matter if someone doesn't like me and it doesn't matter if i say how i really feel and it hurts someone else's feelings. my feelings are important too and i'm sick of softening myself to make other people comfortable. i feel like i'm choking and i'm just so done with it.

i just feel like something is going to be different. i don't know if it's good but i'm not worried because it can't be worse.