echo

also at the rally i ran into someone i went to school with and her brother who was a few years behind me. this girl wasn't a close friend of mine but i hung out with her in group settings a lot and i guess we were sort of friends. she had really bad claustrophobia or something and didn't like being hugged, but she was in therapy or something for it, and one day she saw me in the hall before school and she told me to stand very still and not move, and she gave me a hug. she said she'd probably have had a panic attack if i'd put my arms around her.

anyway when i saw her the other day she put out her hand for a handshake. i shook her hand and looked up at her very tall brother. "you look different," i told him. then i looked at the girl. "you don't." she said, "i just wanted to tell you i like your hair," and then she and her brother walked away.

as they walked away i thought about how glad i was that i was wearing a nice dress and makeup and standing near my cool and attractive friends. i'm glad i didn't look sloppy and pathetic and lonely like i used to in high school. i wonder if there will ever come a day when i'm not angry at all of them anymore and these things won't matter to me. i graduated 5 years ago. i don't think about high school every day but when i do i still feel all that anxiety and rage and i don't know if i will ever let go of it.