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i like spending time with A but i don't like the way she talks about bodies sometimes. she seems to dislike her own, which is her business, but i don't really want to hear about it. also, her boyfriend seems to be very judgmental about the things she eats. if she eats something he doesn't think is good for her, he'll make a comment about it or give her a judgmental look. i mentioned this once to her and she said, "well, i do it to him too." probably she does it about me too, just in her head. it's an unpleasant thought.

i normally don't have many positive things to say about men as a whole, but my best friend right now is a man. the one before that was a woman, but before that it was a different man. and one thing i like about them is that in my experience they don't do that thing where they sit around and complain about their bodies as a way of bonding. i mean, maybe they do, but they've never done it around me. my best friend right now, who is a vegetarian and eats a fairly healthy diet, has never once said anything to me about what i eat the whole time we have been friends. if he's judging me in my head, he's being very quiet about it.

the reason it bothers me so much, of course, is because i sometimes struggle to feel okay with the way i look. to be more specific, i like my body just fine, but i know what other people think of it, and sometimes i think they're right. this is especially hard for me now that there's someone i'd like to date. when A looked them up on okcupid, she went through their questions and read me the answers, but all i wanted to know is whether or not they think fat people are gross. i don't think i could stand another rejection because of my body. i hate seeing the look on people's faces, a mixture of pity and disgust, as they try to think of something to say that won't hurt my feelings. "i think we're better as friends." "i just don't feel that way about you." and so on.

a few months ago i read a website comment by a woman who had recently bought a dress at a store but then, trying it on again at home, realized that it was unflattering and she didn't like it after all. she went to tell her boyfriend that she was going to return the dress, and when he saw her coming down the stairs, he teared up because he thought she looked so pretty.

maybe this commenter was an actual supermodel or something, but i don't think so. i think probably she was an ordinary person who someone just loved a lot. i want someone to feel that way about me someday. i want someone to think i'm so beautiful that they don't want to stop looking at me. i want them to feel lucky every day that they get to be with me. i want them to touch me with love and desire and kindness. i think if someone loved me that much i could never be unhappy about anything ever again. i would just be so grateful, even if it ended someday. but being loved that way is so special that if it happens to you then you should feel lucky for the rest of your life.

anyway, in the meantime i have to be able to live with myself. it's hard. i look in the mirror and try to remember all the things i like about myself. i have a pretty face and a nose i don't have to worry about. i hardly ever get pimples and my skin is very soft and even in color. my hands are soft and well-shaped. when i look at my stomach in the mirror i think about how cuddly i look and i wish i could give myself a hug. and so on. also i look at pictures of women who look like me. well. they look like i would look if i had the money and skills to put on makeup like they do.

i just suddenly got really sleepy and bored of writing this. i feel better, though, so i guess it's okay.


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