ethics of care

today the psych services center called and i made an appointment for january 20th at 8.

what happened a while ago was that i was super stressed out so i went to the counseling center on campus because what i'd heard was that you can go in whenever you want and meet with someone right away. but, it turns out that unless you're having a crisis, like you were raped 20 minutes ago or got lost on the way to killing yourself and ended up in the office, the receptionist will discourage you from trying to talk to someone. i think that's just great, since one of the hallmarks of mental illness is being perfect at determining whether or not you are in crisis and never for a second doubting whether you deserve help or are just a big faking faker who needs to stop bothering other people with your issues. anyway.

so i made an appointment to do a full intake, which was scheduled for the next week. the receptionist actually double booked someone so she had to move my appointment at the last minute. still, i showed up 45 minutes early because i'd been instructed to be 30 minutes early to do paperwork. i filled out a form and an online questionnaire.

i didn't get seen until 10 minutes after i was scheduled. when i went into the woman's office she asked why i was there and i explained that i'd been having trouble with anxiety. she asked what i wanted to do and i said i thought it would be helpful if i could talk to someone about my problems and maybe get some help with coping techniques. she didn't seem to understand what i meant and asked me repeatedly why i was there.

she told me they had appointments available but all of them were during exams. i explained that i wouldn't be able to make any of them and i couldn't come to campus on days when i didn't have class because i wouldn't be able to afford the gas. in that case, she said, i'd have to wait until january to see anyone. she offered to write me a referral but i reminded her that i didn't have money for that. she said, "oh." i said, "thanks so much for all the help" and left her office. i cried in the elevator.

so i went to the psychological services center (psc). this is a little complicated. the counseling center and the psc are both run by the university but they otherwise aren't connected at all and don't have the same staff or policies or anything. the counseling center is meant to serve students while the psc can serve students but is mainly intended to serve the community. the psc is where i went for therapy once in high school and again a few years ago when i was in college, so i know some of the people who work there. but not all of them, because all of the counselors there are grad students, so they don't stay there very long.

at the psc i was lucky because the receptionist that day was a lady i know very well and like a lot. that time when i went there because i wanted to kill myself, she was very nice and gave me a hug. so i talked to her about the counseling center and she agreed that it sucked and was awful. i was surprised at how much better i felt even though she was in the same boat as the counseling center and couldn't get me in to see anyone until january either. but it was a relief just to talk to someone who clearly gave a shit about my situation. she took down my info and told me she'd try to make inquiries about having me see someone sooner.

so, that's why she called yesterday and today. the appointment on the 20th is just intake, which means they ask you questions about your history and what problems you're having and stuff. luckily they have all my paperwork from the other times i went there so it should just be updating and stuff.

i'm just so frustrated by the whole situation. my university is always going on and on about how they care so much about the mental health of their students and you don't have to deal with stuff by yourself and all that, but when you try to get help they're worse than useless. also, you only get 10 free appointments, and that includes crisis stuff. like, they'll still help you (if they determine you're suffering enough i guess) but they'll bill you later if you go over your 10 appointments. and then just the indifference of the people who work in that office makes a bad situation so much worse.

this is something my best friend and i have been talking about a lot. he's in grad school and this semester he's teaching his first class, and he's been telling me how shocking it is how many professors talk about how oppression is so bad and everything, but outside of class they won't lift a finger to help a struggling student. these are people who teach classes on topics like feminist theory but then won't use the right names and pronouns for trans students in their classes. my friend uses the phrase "ethics of care" a lot. he told me he made a point of writing in his class syllabus that students were always free to come to his office hours or email him about personal stuff they're dealing with and he'll accommodate them as much as he can because justice and fairness aren't just abstract concepts to him.

and i've been thinking about it too in terms of my own career aspirations. i've always said i wanted to do education and advocacy, and i still do. but sometimes i think i should consider counseling more seriously. even if i only ended up working a front desk or something, i think it'd be nice if i was the first person someone talked to when they were struggling, and i could show them i cared about them and took their problems seriously and wanted to help. just to make the world slightly less horrible for a few people would be pretty cool.