limerence

thursday was the weirdest day i've had in a while. my friend had invited me to an art show, but i told them i was going to go home and do work instead. so while i was home they texted me and told me the girl i like was there. (as far as i know, they've seen one picture of her, ever, in a magazine our school publishes, so this is pretty impressive. although she's very distinctive looking, so there's that.) so obviously i ran right out the door and sped through traffic to get to the show.

i thought it was gonna be a gallery type of thing but it turned out to be performance art and long story short i ended up telling a roomful of strangers and the girl i like and at least one person i hate about my cousin who killed himself in the room i used to sleep in when i was a child. it was, um, fine. i don't really remember what all i said.

but anyway, after that my friend and i were leaving to go to a meeting, and i saw her outside and she invited me to the bar with her and her roommates. i told her i had a meeting but i'd be there after, so i did end up going to hang out with her. i kinda thought we'd be at a table with her roommates but they were all outside and she seemed to just want to talk to me? i think? i'm not sure. we did stay for 5 hours just talking even after her other friends left. it gave me a weird feeling i don't know how to describe, which is so rare for me. i was just looking at her a lot and thinking about how beautiful she is. she has these small delicate hands and i kept thinking i wanted to touch them, but also i felt like if i did something bad might happen. not bad like rejection, bad like sticking your finger in a socket. i have only ever touched her once, after she did a performance art thing that made me really emotional. i asked if i could hug her after that and she said yes and i did. actually, i don't really remember what it was like.

anyway it was perfect and now i can't stop thinking about her. i just feel so...i don't know. i feel happy when i remember talking to her, and when i think about seeing her again and maybe even being with her. i feel scared that she doesn't care about me and that if i'm honest with her she won't want anything to do with me anymore. i feel agitated because i need to do something about this situation very soon. it's just very overwhelming and somewhat hard to think about without getting the sensation that i can't breathe.