energy

i think i am about to have a depressive episode, or i am already having one maybe. tuesday and today i skipped class so i could stay home and sleep and drink and watch tv and lay in bed and cry. i even skipped the trans student group today.

at least i'm already in therapy. i think i've said this before but i tend to work on my anxiety in therapy and not much on my depression, because anxiety feels like something i can fix whereas depression is like a big slow wave that sometimes washes over me and all i can do is hold my breath and try not to die. for this reason, i often get angry when people try to give me advice about coping with depression. i always hear advice as "you aren't trying hard enough not to be sad." all i want anyone to do is give me a hug or something nice to eat, tell me i'm doing a great job, and try not to get mad at me when i start cancelling plans all the time.

this time i have lots of friends who i'll have to tell about this. i love them a lot and even though i don't always feel like they love me, i know that they do. so i don't feel nervous about this but i am a little worried that they'll overreact or ask me too many questions. i guess i'll just have to warn them to be cool about it.

also, lately i have been feeling the desire to do something creative. i have very little talent and no one i know is doing anything i'm interested in participating in in any capacity. except, last weekend when i went to the fundraiser concert, and i watched the performers, who were just volunteers who wanted to play in the show and mostly didn't have any formal training or experience at all, i thought i might like to do something like that. if i could be in a band with my friends, and we could just play together and have a good time and people would be happy when they listened to us, i think i'd like that. i would also like to draw things with sidewalk chalk on the pavement at my school but i think i'd probably get in trouble. and i think this weekend i'm going to buy embroidery thread and start making bracelets for people again. i just want to make something cute that makes people smile.

it's weird that even though i'm starting to feel pretty unhappy, i also really want to create things. i don't really know what's happening anymore.