mirror

i went out with my best friend last night and ran into a guy i went to elementary school with. (i just realized i've known this person for nearly 20 years. 20 years!) we have a lot of history together. he was the first person i ever kissed and we almost dated but then didn't and so on. we didn't date because i didn't want to because he was sometimes mean to me. i'm happy that even when i was 13 i was sharp enough to realize that he was clearly ashamed about liking me and even then my self-esteem wasn't so low that i would date someone like that.

so it's weird seeing him now because he hangs around with these cool artsy types and i guess i sort of do too but it's different. i still feel like an awkward ugly girl and i feel like he's upgraded past that. but, when he sees me he still acts like he's anxious for me to like him. i don't know how to feel about that. i guess i sort of like it but it makes me uncomfortable.

i've been feeling a lot of that discomfort lately. i have a pretty specific and negative idea of myself but lately i've been noticing that other people really don't see me that way. i thought that was what i wanted, but it's hard in a different way. i'm used to mostly being able to do or say whatever i want because most people didn't really care what i was doing and didn't think i had anything of value to say. i really thought most of my friends were just nice people who felt bad for me. but now people are telling me that they think i'm cool and interesting and i have good ideas about things, and when i say things, not only do people listen, but they think about creating official university policies based on that stuff i said. not only is it uncomfortable because it contradicts what i thought to be my place in the world, but it also means that i can't just do whatever i want anymore since no one is looking. now people are looking. they think the things i do are meaningful, so i have to make sure that they mean the right things.

but also, if i'm wrong about what kind of person i am, how do i find out what the truth is?