pattern

oh my god, i must've been so loopy when i wrote that last entry. you know what i'd like to do someday is keep a journal where i just wrote when i had some unusual brain state going on, like when i'm drunk or high or very sleepy. when i reread old entries i often can't even tell whether i was totally sober or not, which is weird to think about.

i'm currently very tired (i've been up since 6:30 am because i had an exam at 8, is why) and i'm struggling a lot to write things in ways that make sense. i keep rereading sentences i've written to make sure i'm being coherent, but it's so hard for me to tell. i just think it's interesting. anyway.

i miss my girlfriend a lot. this is also interesting to me because i don't normally miss people much. i like people, but i also really like being alone, so i don't usually feel too sad about it. the other neat thing is that it's now socially acceptable for me to tell her this, sincerely, after not seeing her for only a few days. i like that.

i think that at some point in my life i got the idea that i wasn't "allowed" to flirt with people or be open about liking them or even touch them in a non-platonic way (e.g. holding hands). i always sort of thought that stuff was for other people and if i ever wanted to do anything romantic like that, someone would laugh at me or be angry or disgusted. so it's kind of terrifying when i tell my girlfriend i think she's cute or i sit close beside her or hold her hand and she smiles and thinks it's nice. i just keep waiting for the bad thing to happen.
i recently read a thing about how many mental health problems used to be survival strategies. i think that's probably true. right now it's just annoying when i'm trying to enjoy something and i can't stop expecting everything to go terribly wrong so i can't relax, but that's because there was a time in my life when everything went terribly wrong on a regular basis and i was better off if i didn't relax because then i wouldn't be ready for it. so, you could say that my brain is just trying to help me out. my brain knows how things usually end up for me, so it's trying to make sure i don't get hurt.
i really like this reframing because it reminds me that my anxieties really aren't irrational - it's totally reasonable that if people have been cruel to you a lot, you might feel nervous about being around them. if i got bitten by a dog, and for a long time afterward i avoided dogs, that would be normal and understandable. so there's nothing wrong with me, my brain is just trying to protect me, and i just have to let it know that i don't need it to do that all the time anymore. not every dog will bite me.

still, i wonder what made me think i was so disgusting that nobody could ever love me. why do i feel that way about myself?