making poor choices

i finally asked out that guy tonight, and he said no. i kind of thought he would because he was going on about some other girl he was in love with, but i'm still really disappointed. after that happened i went to waffle house because being sad is bad enough without having to do it on an empty stomach. i cried a little while i waited for my order to be ready, but since it was 3 am and that waffle house is in an area surrounded by bars frequented by college kids, i wasn't even the only crying girl in there.

i'm also irritated that i've been trying to reach out to people because i want to talk about this and be sad about it, but for some reason nobody seems to want to listen. i'm always the person who listens to everyone else, so this usually happens to me. what i want to do today is tell one of my friends what happened and then they'll say i should go out with them tonight and i'll say no but they'll insist and i'll go out and have a great time and feel better. that doesn't seem to be in the cards, so my plan is to wait until my mom goes to work and see if she has anything interesting in her medicine cabinet, and then i'm going to hide my phone somewhere and spend the day high on the sofa eating ice cream and watching tv. jesus, i was just at group therapy yesterday and we talked about substance use because everyone in the group except me uses drugs and alcohol on a regular basis to cope with their bad feelings. oh well.

the weirdest thing about my feelings right now is that i still feel sort of nervous and i don't know why. i feel nauseous, which doesn't usually happen when i'm just regular old sad. i'm open to the possibility that i coincidentally just got stomach flu. why can't i stop thinking about how terrible i feel right now?