seeing the future

so earlier today i found my mom's oxycodone and took some of that. i went to lie down on the sofa because i expected that, like most drugs, it would just make me feel sleepy. what actually happened was that i felt very happy and peaceful. i was listening to my favorite feeling-sad album, but i didn't feel sad at all. it's hard to describe. i lay there just listening to the music for some time - i'm not sure how long because i kept dozing off, i think - and then i started to have these dreams? i think? it was like i was dreaming, remembering, and seeing the future all at once.

in these dreams different things would happen that had to do with the person i like. in one of them, my friend was showing me a facebook post of his where he talked about marrying another girl. i remember looking at a photo of an engagement ring and not understanding what was happening, and my friend had to explain to me that he was thinking about getting married.
in another dream, i saw him at the bar, and he asked me if i was okay. i said, "no! you should have been meaner to me! now i like you even more!" and we both laughed and he gave me a hug. he said, "i'll try not to make it weird for you," and i said, "i appreciate how cool you've been about this. you can keep kissing me on the cheek and calling me 'love', though. it definitely helps." he thought that was very funny. even though in all of these dreams i was still dealing with being rejected, i felt this sense of peace and happiness with how everything turned out.

but then, i fell asleep for real, and when i woke up i felt very sad again. i cried a lot then. i want to have that peaceful feeling again but i think i probably shouldn't. i think i feel all right now, though. i think.