maybe not from the direction you are staring at

it seems like i won't have to worry about the panel anymore so that's good. everything seems organized and settled and stuff. i still have to think about what i'm going to say and figure out how to not vomit if i see the person i asked out in the audience. but i can ask for help with the first thing and make ginger and mint tea for the second.

yesterday at the trans student group meeting i talked about my panel during the announcements. i've been so stressed and upset lately and also i had been drinking right before the meeting, so i had trouble remembering what all to say, but i managed. at the end i told everyone that i was really excited about the panel and also very nervous and i hoped they'd all come to see me speak and ask good questions, and everyone in the room said they'd be there. then someone said they were proud of me and everyone clapped and the club president told me i did a good job. i wanted to cry but i didn't. i just felt very loved and supported and it was nice. i've been very annoying and ridiculous lately and my friends have all been super cool about it. wednesday i told the president that i was eating gummy lifesavers for dinner because i was sad, and then i offered her some. she took one and told me very seriously that she wouldn't take anymore because she didn't want to eat all my dinner. it was very considerate. so, although i feel very empty and alone right now, i can still see that i'm not.