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newest | me | past | diaryland
when i was in high school i used to have a crush on this girl i was friends with and she definitely had a crush on me. (i only knew her online.) she would get very sad when i went out with other people a lot instead of talking to her. once, we were planning for me to go and visit her. she wasn't much older than me but she had started college early so she lived in a suite-style dorm room (meaning, she had her own sleeping space and shared a bathroom with one other person). but, during the time i was to visit, she would have to leave and go to class sometimes. she worried that i would be bored alone in her room. i told her i would be fine waiting in there for her, that i could just bring a book or something. i always felt like she was too happy about the thought of me just being trapped in her room all day, and she could go out and come home but i would always be there waiting for her and i couldn't leave. (though, obviously, i could have.) i understand that now. i'm not yet crazy enough to want to lock someone in my room so they can't leave, but i can see how it would be nice to date someone like her. i would be okay with having one person be most of my world and not having much of a life outside of them in exchange for never ever having to worry that my partner doesn't love me or doesn't want to be with me or doesn't want me. i would definitely make that trade. blah blah liberty and security, whatever. i don't enjoy having the liberty to have panic attacks because i'm afraid no one loves me and be depressed all the time because i think nobody would notice if i died. i've never in my life had a time when i didn't feel like i was constantly doing something wrong that i couldn't figure out and that everyone i cared about secretly hated me and wished i would leave. i never even had that with my mom. i stopped being friends with that girl because i knew that she was too clingy and jealous and possessive and i thought it wasn't healthy. i see now that i chose poorly.
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