face

for something like 2 years now i've had a friend who i really look up to, who used to be friends with another person we know, but isn't anymore, and hasn't been for over a year. i always thought that she wasn't friends with him anymore because he's very flaky in a way that shows that he doesn't value other people's time or care about them enough to make an effort.
but, recently i learned that the real reason is that i told this person i liked him a long time ago and he was really mean to me about it. my friend stopped talking to him after i told her about it. i think it's nice that someone cares about me so much that being unkind to me is an unfriend-worthy offense. (do we have another english verb that means "to end a friendship"?)

yesterday i went out to karaoke with my best friend. a lady i used to be friends with was there and she came up to me and talked to me and was very friendly. but the reason i don't consider her a friend is because she's the kind of person who thinks she's better than everyone else and that things about her matter more than things about other people. (it's hard to articulate that last part, but basically, she expects other people to remember things about her, like what her job is, but doesn't bother remembering what anyone else does for a living, because it doesn't matter to her.) i've always had the impression that she expects me to be grateful to be friends with her, but a while ago i decided to not spend one minute more than necessary with anyone who makes me feel bad about myself, so i don't bother with her much anymore.
anyway, it was interesting to see her after having made this decision. i think being insecure makes it hard to see people clearly. when other people try to make you feel small, it's not because they're very big, it's because they want you to feel as small as they do all the time. and when you know that, you can be kind and not resentful anymore.

here is another interesting thing about this person: it was very difficult for me to recognize her. i'm very bad with faces, and she got a breast reduction and changed her hair color. (do you want to guess how long it took for me to figure out that "reduction" and "augmentation" are not synonyms? i don't know what happened with that.) i wouldn't have known her except for her glasses and the fact that she had to introduce herself to my friend. it made me wonder how many people i used to have some strong feeling or other about are wandering around right in front of me, with different haircuts or more/less weight or added/lost glasses, so i'll never know who they are. that's a weird feeling.