cling

often, i meet people who seem to be obsessed with other people. these objects of obsession are generally not very good - they seem to be volatile, unstable, uncertain, and sometimes actually dangerous. and i always wonder what makes that kind of person so attractive. what quality do they have that makes it so they can treat other people terribly and still be loved? i've always felt an immense pressure to treat people with generosity and kindness no matter what because i feel that their positive regard for me is fragile. unlike some people, i have to be very careful what i do, because if i mess up, i don't think i'll be forgiven. so i don't mess up.

lately i've been told a lot that i care too much about other people's feelings. actually, the person i like told me this last week. isn't that an odd thing to criticize someone for? "you try too hard not to hurt people and i don't like it." do people really like it when you don't worry about how they feel? is it really better to hurt someone than to be afraid of hurting them?

i hold grudges forever, so maybe that's why i don't understand. when someone says or does something that upsets me, i may still be friends with them, but i never forget about whatever it was they did.
i'm also easily hurt. so maybe i'm just doing a lot of projection here. i don't know.

anyway i wonder what it's like to be the type of person that other people get obsessed with. if i were like that, i probably wouldn't be very well liked, but people would definitely remember me. i don't know which is better.