none for me thanks

i kind of like this thing where i write about things that make me extremely uncomfortable, so i'm going to keep doing it until i run out of things. i don't remember if i wrote about this before but this summer i'm doing this thing where i'm not telling any lies and i'm saying things that i feel or think that are important to me, so it makes sense for me to be more honest with myself too, even when i don't like it. anyway.

a while ago someone asked me if i thought i was asexual because i told them i'd never had sex before.

i've done a little reading about asexuality so i know that there are different kinds. some people enjoy sex when they have it but don't feel desire toward other people. some people don't like sex and feel repulsed by the thought of it. some people will have sex if their partner wants it, and they don't really mind, but mostly they are indifferent about it. so different people have different experiences.

i feel irritated when someone says you can't know your sexual orientation unless you've had sex before but i think sometimes that's true for some people. i can say that i do feel attracted to people and sometimes i think about having sex, but maybe when it actually happens i'll dislike it or feel bored. it's hard for me to know because for a variety of reasons none of my sexual experiences have been very...hot, i guess is what i'm looking for. a lot of times i was doing things out of curiosity, and most of the times i wasn't that physically attracted to the person i was with. i might've liked the person but i wasn't fantasizing about them or anything.
i think the closest i've ever come to something like a normal experience was when i briefly dated that girl at the beginning of college. i didn't have sex with her, but i almost did. i wanted to, and she wanted to, but at the same time i felt like it wasn't right, so i said no. it was odd because i actually did find her really attractive, and she was very experienced which was a plus for me because i had no idea what i was doing, and she was also considerate and respectful. i just felt like it wasn't going to end well, and, of course, it didn't. i broke up with her after only a week. so it was a good decision.

another reason i've felt ambivalent about my previous experiences is just society, i guess. i'm fat and queer and a woman and i was raised catholic, so it makes sense that i'd feel uncomfortable thinking about myself in a sexual context. it isn't that i think it's a sin, it's more that i feel like it's inappropriate, the way wearing sweatpants to a fancy restaurant is inappropriate. it's not right, that's not what you're supposed to do, it doesn't make any sense. it's silly.

so i guess i don't really know how i'll feel about sex when i have it. maybe i'll like it a lot, but i'm open to the possibility that i'll feel indifferently about it. right now it seems like a lot of work, but that's because there are other steps involved that actually are really hard for me. the part where i meet someone i like, figure out they like me, talk to them about what we both want, all of that...it's a lot of effort for someone who struggles to even leave the bed sometimes. maybe it will be worth it, but that's not something i can know until it happens. i'd like that, if only so i can say i know what the experience is like.