effort

on friday i'm going to see the person i liked. i've been putting off seeing him since i went to campus, not because i'm angry or upset or anything, but because i'm not really sure how to act around him anymore. i know i don't want to date him but i don't know if i still like him or whatever. i think probably not, since i don't think about him much. one thing i like, and also sometimes hate, about myself is that i tend to get fixated on a certain thing for a while, and it's really hard for me to think about anything else. usually it's just tv shows or video games, which is annoying for people who have to talk to me, but mostly harmless. when it's a person, though, it's usually not fun because the reason i'm fixated on them is probably because i want something from them. i actually have never dated anyone that i felt this way about, which makes me a bit sad. i don't know that i should date someone who i'm less interested in than a mediocre tv show or a video game that came out 10 years ago. anyway, what i'm saying is that my fixation with this person seems to be over, and now i'm not sure what to do. am i just supposed to be friends with him? should i hang out with him less or more?

the other problem is, another girl i've met a few times (she seems nice but i don't think i've had a real conversation with her) liked this person too, and apparently she's been kind of mean to him since he started dating someone.when i saw him on campus he told me about this, but the way he said it was kind of flippant and unkind. this bothers me - i don't think it's nice to make fun of someone for having feelings. she seems like a good person and i bet she's pretty hurt and i feel sad for her. but also, i feel something i'm not sure of, at the idea that if i told the person i liked how i felt about him, or i changed my behavior toward him too much and he figured out why, he might consider it an amusing thing to joke about with someone i hardly know.

it's difficult for me to even focus on this long enough to write coherently about it.

i guess i'll just see how it goes friday. i thought about telling him that i found the way he talked about his friend unpleasant, but i don't know if it's worth it to bother. oh well.