midnight

today my friend and i went to a show which the person i like(d?) was performing in. we met at my friend's dorm and then had dinner and then we walked to the venue. i kept telling him that i was nervous, so he sat close beside me and let me hold his hand sometimes. he thought i was nervous about the show being scary but actually i thought i would be upset because the person i like was performing with the person she's dating.

and i was upset. it's hard for me to even look at her now. it hurts. there was a part during the show where she asked the people in the audience to take out a mirror and look into it and picture yourself as the self you want to be. i looked at myself in the mirror and then i started crying. later, i told my friend about this, and he asked why i had cried. i started to tell him but then i teared up again so i just said i couldn't talk about it because i didn't want to ruin my makeup. he gave me a hug.

it feels wrong to be angry with her but i feel like she isn't being a good friend to me. she doesn't understand my feelings and i don't think she tries. she wants to still hang out, you know, and she wants me to do political work with her. i want that too but i need her to acknowledge that it's hard for me. and our friendship has to change and i have to tell her that and it's scary. but i'm allowed to ask people to be careful with my feelings. they're important even if other people think they're petty or they don't understand me.

i guess it's just that i can see that the carriage is only a pumpkin and it probably never really was a carriage anyway. she's not magical or special or anything like that. she's a person who's shitty in a lot of the same ways most people are shitty. that doesn't mean she's a bad person, but it does mean she's only a person. i have to be able to see her clearly. it's disappointing, but i've been disappointed before.