soft heart

i have gotten much better at coping with my bad feelings, which is very cool, but i still wish i had fewer and less intense bad feelings. i sometimes think it's very beautiful and romantic to be so sensitive, but other times i wish i'd just toughen up already. i think if i were less sensitive overall, though, i probably wouldn't enjoy the good feelings as much either.

i noticed something today. i had to visit the person i like and i was very angry with her but i didn't want her to know. when she saw me she said, "are you okay?" and then her roommate came out of her bedroom and asked the same thing, and later a friend of a friend asked me again. i wasn't frowning or anything during any of these interactions. this is what i think it is: i think people like me because i can do a thing where i make people feel like they're special and important when they talk to me. with the girl i like, you know, when she tells me things she feels like everything she says is so interesting, because i really do believe it is, even when i know that if a stranger was telling me these things i wouldn't care at all. so it's acting, but sincere at the same time. i do this thing when i'm sad, but when i'm angry, which isn't often, i stop doing it, and it upsets people. they aren't saying, "are you okay? i am worried about your well-being." they are saying, "are you okay? you aren't making me feel good about myself and i don't like that."

because i have been so sad and crying a lot, i thought it would be nice for self-care if i got some more sheet masks. i used one before the show a couple weeks ago and really enjoyed it. the one i got was from forever 21 and had pomegranate in it. today i got 5 since they were only $1. i got one for hydration, two for brightening, one shea butter one with coconut, and one with lavender. i want to use the lavender one tonight before i go to sleep because i hope it'll help me relax and be less stressed. plus, tomorrow my face won't be red and puffy from crying so much. staying hydrated is also important when you're crying - i read once that this is why you get a headache after you cry - so i'm drinking lots of water too. so, at least i am doing soothing and healthy things rather than laying in bed wishing i was dead, although i suppose i could do that with a face mask on if i wanted.