unhealthy

a while ago i wrote about an unhealthy friendship i had with a possessive person. i was thinking about her because i recently read a book that reminded me of her. i don't often talk about my friendship with her, not because it makes me sad to think about it but because other people react in a way that indicates that i should feel sad about it, and i don't. actually i was very happy then.
i was in high school and my phone didn't work inside the school building, and every day she would call and leave me a voicemail to listen to when i got out of school. i'd call or text or im her all evening when i got home, until it was time to go to bed. then, if i was having trouble sleeping, which i often did back then, she'd call me again and read to me until i fell asleep. she was in college studying anthropology, so at first she read me a book about a guy who studied bonobos, but there were some parts we both found kind of creepy and we'd end up talking about them rather than sleeping, so she switched to reading me stephen king books, which i for some reason never found scary at all.
she didn't really like when i would spend time with or talk to her about people i knew in real life. she'd listen anyway, but i could tell she didn't like it. she said my friends were assholes who didn't respect me, which, to be fair, is mostly true. actually, the reason we stopped talking is that one of these friends thought our relationship was unhealthy and encouraged me to distance myself from her.

it's possible that that person was right, but is that important? what does it mean for something to be bad for you? is it okay to want things that are bad for you if they make you happy? i was pretty happy then. having someone who needed me so much and devoted so much time to me made me feel special and loved. i feel like i'm supposed to see it like this: i'm sick in a way that makes me seek out other sick people to be close to. so i should stop being sick so that i can be with normal healthy people. and in the meantime i should just be lonely, i guess. this distresses me. why would it be bad if i depended on someone who helped me do things that are good for me? what if i can't do those things on my own - does that mean i have to be alone forever? i don't know.

i know that part of the reason i'm afraid to be with someone is that i think i would be a burden on them, but to be honest i think that would be okay. i'm tired of not asking for help or depending on other people because i don't want to inconvenience them. who is concerned about inconveniencing me? who is worried about taking advantage of me? who is concerned about how i feel? i think probably no one. maybe i should be a bit of a burden. maybe i should do more things that other people think are bad for me. maybe anything that helps me is good and right.